The Breadth and Depth of Relationships

I recently had an email exchange with Maggie Crane who has written a book called Amazing Grays:  A Woman’s Guide to Making The Next 50 The Best 50 (Regardless Of Your Hair Color!).  I enjoyed reading the book last summer and thought it had a lot of helpful information in it about everything from whether to go gray or not, to self-reflective questions aimed at helping women manage some of the transitions that tend to occur at midlife.

One question I had posed to her at the time was the question of how to come to terms with the possibility that I might be single for the rest of my life.  Last summer this was weighing heavily on my heart.  I was 50 and had been single for 14 years after being widowed at age 36.  After coming to terms with my husband’s death, I had embraced my single state and thoroughly enjoyed exploring who I was without a partner in the picture.  But somehow, I found myself really wanting someone special, but that guy was nowhere in sight.

This is not an issue that only those of us in our 40s and 50s face, it is one that seems to be on everyone’s mind to one degree or another.  For younger women, it may be intertwined with the matter of biological clocks ticking away.  Being single is a big deal if having a family is very important to you.  And, it feels like a big deal if, like me, you don’t have kids, or a life partner, and you’re in your 50s.  It’s on the minds of most of my single friends, we spend a fair amount of time joking (but only half way) about living together when we’re ‘retired’ so we can look after each other.

Maggie made some great points in our conversation about embracing singleness as an opportunity for focusing on your own growth, putting your energy into a project or business close to your heart perhaps, or engaging in advocacy/volunteer work.  Someone who has created a fulfilling and fun life is likely to form meaningful relationships along the way, whether intimate or otherwise.  Excellent bits of wisdom, all.

But as I read her thoughtful and upbeat reply, something about it still didn’t get at the heart of my question.  I had been joyfully single for a very long time.  A partner would have been a nice ‘extra’ but it just wasn’t priority number one.  In fact, I was almost afraid of being slowed down by having someone in my life.

But something changed.  As I’ve gotten older, breadth just isn’t doing it for me anymore.  Lots of friends, lots of activities, lots of variety...that just doesn’t have the juice it once had.  I want depth in my life.

Do I still value my friends?  Always, they are dear to me.  Is the world still full of all kinds of interesting things to learn and explore?  Yes!  But, still I crave the depth that comes from knowing someone deeply, from working through challenges and conflicts and coming out the other side more strongly connected than you were before.  I think that is what changes.  That’s what I and my friends are discovering. 

One of my good friends has said before that there is some personal growth that can only happen when you’re single, and some that can only happen in relationship with someone else.  My experience tells me that’s true. 

Ironically, last fall a special man DID appear in my life.  And I am seeing that getting to the point where I felt I had wrung every last drop out of my single state and then hanging out in that place for a while has given this new relationship a depth and connectedness I don’t believe it would have had otherwise.  It’s easy to let the little things go and many of the things that seem to rock relationships often just seem silly to me now.  I’m still quite independent but I find myself wanting to make mutual plans instead of my former almost paranoid need to have my OWN ‘thing’ going.

What is that saying...when the student is ready, the teacher appears?  I guess it boils down to the universe has a way of putting you right where you need to be.  When you’re ready for the next step, it appears before you.

Allison Allen is Founder of WomenBloom.com, a web community inspiring and supporting women to make the most of midlife.