GETTING IN TOUCH WITH INTIMACY Communication Differences between Men & Women

Meaningful sexuality in a sexually immature culture is becoming increasingly harder and harder to achieve. Promoting intimacy and other-centered sexuality can be difficult when navigating the communication barriers between men and women. Men and women have different communications styles and attitudes. The result is often that neither partner tells the other their true feelings. Then they complain because they don't know, and expect the other to understand what they did not say. I can’t tell you how many times I have seen this very thing in my practice. Trying to explain to couples that communication is one of the most important things that they can work on is often fallen on deaf ears.

It is believed by many that men tend to deal with problems in a logical, reasonable manner and that women tend to think in terms of emotions and feelings. For the most part, this has been proven to be true. However, both genders are sometimes not very good at communicating well with their partners at all. Some women want to infer or hint rather than come out and say it like it is. Then there are women who resort to demanding sexual satisfaction, which they often don't get from their partner, and are learning to be more outspoken. The opposite of this is when women hide their true feelings and become resentful of being unfulfilled. The same can be true for men. This simply shows the differences between how some men and women think. We are so used to this that if someone switches roles it can also be a problem. A man who breaks out into tears is very confusing or is considered feminine or needy. A woman who becomes logical and analytical in her dealings with men may be seen as cold and hard. Because we expect these roles, we play them, we don't even realize we're playing them, and we consciously don't understand them, because they've been part of us for so long. We aren't seeing them directly and they can affect how we communicate our need for intimacy.

The lack of intimacy is largely due to the touch barrier. The touch barrier exists and is caused by our sexual immaturity. We are born with an intense skin hunger. Babies have a huge need for touch and if not available can interfere with their emotional development. As adults we have a strong need to hold hands, be held in someone's arms, to hug, receive a nonsexual massage, have our face or arms stroked, be cuddled, caressed, etc. Somewhere between babyhood and adulthood we develop touch barriers which can be harmful to our well-being. Touch is a God given need that we never outgrow. Touch can be richly enjoyed for its own sake, and not just as a prelude to sex. Surveys have shown that overwhelmingly most people do not touch as much as they would like, especially with the opposite sex, even when no other sexual activity is desired. We often cover up our need for intimacy by activities, sports, TV, work, church, or by using food, drugs, alcohol, or sex for only selfish physical pleasure.

Touch is a communication of love. Touch is the most powerful way to communicate empathy, friendship, approval, affirmation and love to another. Our inner spirits can nurture and share with each other most powerfully through caring touch. Touch is physically beneficial. Touch messages are transmitted to our brain through a network of over 100 billion neurons. Once the brain receives the touch message, it has powerful effects, stimulating the production of chemicals that provide physical good feelings, as well as good emotions by combining with certain hormones and enzymes in the blood. There is evidence that touch therapy benefits people in a multitude of ways including increased brain wave activity resulting in increased alertness, the amount of insulin needed in diabetics is reduced, hormone levels can be increased, weight is gained faster in premature babies and sleep patterns are enhanced. Research at the University of Miami Touch Therapy Institute found that people who give touch via massage therapy also feel better. Stress levels were lowered and visits to doctors for illnesses were reduced. Even people touching their pets can be of benefit. The presence of dogs or cats for people to hold and pet in hospitals and nursing homes often hastens healing and improves emotional as well as physical health.

There are differences between sensuality, sexuality and lust. Touch is a form of sensuality, the wholesome enjoyment of the body senses God gave us for our emotional and physical well being and pleasure. Sexuality is Gods gift of even greater pleasure through sex. Sex should be pleasure sharing at its best but also with concerns for health issues, protection from unwanted pregnancy, etc. Many sexual techniques can be learned which, especially for women, are often more physically pleasurable than just intercourse. Lust is the selfish gratification of a person's sex drive for their own physical pleasure. Lust is very different from mutual pleasure sharing in sexuality or non sexual sensuality through touch.

If you have touch barriers, breaking them is not always easy but can be achieved. With friends or even strangers in a trusted situation, practice breaking the touch barrier and together discover that healthy, wholesome touching can put you more in touch with humanity and yourself. If you want more touch in your life, you must risk reaching out to touch. Sometimes you will be rejected, but the joy from the times when you can find another sincere touch far outweighs the times of rejection. Be sensitive to the fact that some types of touch are more appropriate than others for new relationships or strangers. A touch to the arm can be a non threatening way to get a feel of the others comfort level. Reach out to others you can trust to discuss your feelings and fears, explore, learn and experience the wholesomeness of nurturing touch to discover that people who need people are the happiest people.

It is necessary to know that by exploring, understanding and resolving conflict or communication barriers with others that we draw nearer to the person that we strive to be. In our everyday life, love life, family life and work life we are faced with challenges that allow us to discover what it is that we need to change and create in ourselves. A need to discover our personal journey and choose to actively seek what we desire most is only natural. Working with one’s partner to help them find peace, clarity and a way to create the life they want and deserve ultimately helps one find their own inner desires.
 

 Leslie Escalante, PA-C is a National Board Certified Physician Assistant and owner of Balanced Health & Beauty LLC

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