A connection to family provides a certain type of comfort and support that you can’t get from other people. Provided they aren’t severely emotionally toxic, we can generally depend on our families in times of crisis for emotional and practical support, and sometimes even financial support when we’re desperately in need, though we should try to avoid this at all cost (Neither a borrower nor lender be). Our families carry our history with them, and they generally share our future as well. Who better than siblings, parents, and other close relatives to reminisce with us about our childhoods, or remember pieces of ourselves we’ve forgotten? This connection to fond memories, support in times of need, and near unconditional love is a unique way that family brings us happiness as well as relief from stress. Unfortunately, with the complexity of these relationships, they're not always easy. 

Dealing with difficult people is never easy. But while it may be better for your stress level and even improve your health to eliminate strained relationships from your life, it's not always a simple undertaking when the difficult people are relatives, co-workers, or people you otherwise must have in your life.

 Social support is a great stress reliever, but relationships can also be a major source of stress. As conflict is virtually inevitable in any relationship, here are ten important tips on managing conflict in a respectful way that yields positive results, rather than damaging your connection and causing additional stress.

1.    Stay Focused: Sometimes it’s tempting to bring up past seemingly related conflicts when dealing with current ones. Unfortunately, this often clouds the issue and makes finding mutual understanding and a solution to the current issue less likely, and makes the whole discussion more taxing and even confusing.

2.    Listen Carefully: People often think they’re listening, but are really thinking about what they’re going to say next when the other person stops talking. Truly effective communication goes both ways. While it might be difficult, try really listening to what your partner is saying. Don’t interrupt. Don’t get defensive. Just hear them and reflect back what they’re saying so they know you’ve heard. Then you’ll understand them better and they’ll be more willing to listen to you.

3.    Try To See Their Point of View: In a conflict, most of us primarily want to feel heard and understood. We talk a lot about our point of view to get the other person to see things our way. Ironically, if we all do this all the time, there’s little focus on the other person’s point of view, and nobody feels understood or heard.

4.    Respond to Criticism with Empathy: When someone comes at you with criticism, it’s easy to feel that they’re wrong, and get defensive. While criticism is hard to hear, and often exaggerated or colored by the other person’s emotions, it’s important to listen for the other person’s pain and respond with empathy for their feelings. Also, look for what’s true in what they’re saying; that can be valuable information for you.

5.    Own What’s Yours: Realize that personal responsibility is a strength and not a weakness. Effective communication involves admitting when you’re wrong. If you both share some responsibility in a conflict (which is usually the case), look for and admit to what’s yours. It diffuses the situation, sets a good example, and shows maturity. It also often inspires the other person to respond in kind, leading you both closer to mutual understanding and a solution.

6.    Use “I” Messages: Rather than saying things like, “You really messed up here,” begin statements with “I”, and make them about yourself and your feelings, like, “I feel frustrated when this happens.” It’s less accusatory, sparks less defensiveness, and helps the other person understand your point of view rather than feeling attacked.

7.    Look for Compromise Instead of trying to ‘win’ the argument, look for solutions that meet everybody’s needs. Either through compromise or a new solution that gives you both what you want most, this focus is much more effective than one person getting what they want at the other’s expense. Healthy communication involves finding a resolution that both sides can be happy with.

8.    Take a Time-Out: Sometimes tempers get heated and it’s just too difficult to continue a discussion without it becoming an argument or a fight. If you feel yourself or your partner starting to get too angry to be constructive or showing some destructive communication patterns, its okay to take a break from the discussion until you both cool off. Sometimes good communication means knowing when to take a break.

9.    Don’t Give Up: While taking a break from the discussion is sometimes a good idea, always come back to it. If you both approach the situation with a constructive attitude, mutual respect, and a willingness to see the other’s point of view or at least find a solution, you can make progress toward the goal of a resolution to the conflict. Unless it’s time to give up on the relationship, don’t give up on communication.

10. Ask For Help If You Need It: If one or both of you has trouble staying respectful during conflict, or if you’ve tried resolving conflict with someone on your own and the situation just doesn’t seem to be improving, you might benefit from a few sessions with a therapist. Counseling or family therapy can provide help with altercations and teach skills to resolve future conflict. If the person you are having a conflict with doesn’t want to go, you can still often benefit from going alone.

Being responsible for our own choices and having the freedom to choose based on values rather than moods or circumstances can be a liberating way to live and enjoy our relationships with our families and friends. Another great source is a new book by Kimberly Hart, author of The Happy Wife & The Happy Mother: 7 Easy Steps To A More Satisfying Life With Your Family From A Common Sense Approach.  The Happy Wife & The Happy Mother

Leslie Escalante, PA-C is a National Board Certified Physician Assistant and owner of Balanced Health & Beauty LLC

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